The Five Secrets to Communicating to your Loved Ones

Many people have a hard time communicating with other people. Several of married couples don’t know how to speak to each other, without hurting either persons feelings. This is because of the misinterpretation of the words someone else says, because of the tone one uses and the use of the accusatory “YOU” word. A very smart guy named David D. Burns came up with a way to counter act the mistakes we commit in important confrontations or arguments.

Dr. Burns calls this model of talking the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, or talking with your E.A.R. “E” stands for Empathy.

There are three secrets involved in empathy.

The first one is to use the disarming technique, find a carnal of truth in what your spouse is saying. For example, if your spouse comes up to you and says, “you are a lazy bum, you didn’t take the garbage out yesterday.” To enact this technique you would take out that the garbage wasn’t taken out yesterday and then respond with empathy, which is the second secret. There is two different types of empathy, thought empathy and feeling empathy. So instead of responding back with anger you would use thought empathy and paraphrase your spouse’s words. Then you would use feeling empathy and recognize how your spouse is feeling based on how what they said. Like, “You are right, I didn’t take the garbage out. I see that because I didn’t take the garbage out it has made you mad.” Last of the empathy secrets would be, inquiry. This would be to continue to ask questions to get a feel of how your spouse is feeling and what they are thinking. To fully understand the problem.

The next section would be the “A” which stands for assertiveness.

This contains the fourth and one of the most important secrets to remember when talking to a spouse (or anyone in general). This secret is to use “I feel…” statements. This helps to not put your spouse on the defensive. To continue on the previous example, “My feelings are hurt when you call me a lazy bum because it is diminutive and I would like it if you didn’t call me a lazy bum,” is better than saying, “you’re a butt face you called me a lazy bum don’t call me that.” Notice how in the first one, I stated how being called a lazy bum was mean but not in an accusatory way. If you focus on not sounding accusatory to your spouse they will take what you are saying better than pointing fingers and name calling.

The last section is the “R” which stands for respect.

This is the fifth and final secret. Burns calls it stroking but I think it is more of buttering up. This is the other most important one to remember because it is reminding how much you respect and admire your spouse. It is important to do this after an intense conversation, even if you are frustrated at your spouse. This will remind them that you do love them and that they are important to you in your life. That you love them more than life itself.

This is supported by the bible in Ephesians 4:29:

               Let no corrupt communication

(mean words, sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, silent treatment, or anything that is meant to harm or hide what you are truly trying to say)

           proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying,

(only words that will uplift and enrich the knowledge of another- your spouse)

that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

(that those words will bring peace to your spouse)

All of these secrets help to change the tone and decrease the use of “YOU” statements that will shut your spouse down to a very constructive and important conversation. Remember that Satan is constantly trying to ruin our sacred relationships with our spouses and we need to step up and do what is supernatural and not what comes natural to us. So if you wish to have uplifting and edifying conversations with your spouses, or even other people, take into practice these five secrets.