Being a parent is the greatest and hardest job any of us chooses. There’s a very smart man named Michael Popkin who is a former child and family therapist and the founder of Active Parenting Publishers (AAP). He made a goal with the AAP to use state-of-the-art educational technology to help in the field of parent education. Popkin dedicated his practice to helping parents understand how to better parent their children. He suggested that parents focus less on the child’s behavior and more on their needs. There are five needs a parent should to address continually throughout the child’s life. If these needs aren’t attended to the child may take a mistaken approach (mistaken by the parents) to getting them met. These are normally not what parents would call good behavior. So to avoid the child resorting to a mistaken approach, Popkin gave advise as what the parents approach should be to meet the needs of their children.
The first one of these needs is of contact and belonging. Contact being physical contact like a high five, a handshake, a hug, a kiss, etc. Everyone needs contact to support their emotional needs. I achieve contact through my husband when we are cuddling on the couch and watching a movie, or when we take naps. However, contact alone is not sufficient to satisfy the need for contact. It needs to be paired with sincere interest in the person you are giving physical contact to. So for example, with a child, you could ask them questions while intermediately giving them hugs or touching their shoulder. This will show a true interest in them and that you actually see them. The belonging side is to give them a sense of belonging to a group. Be it that that group is a family, a friend group, or a church community. If either of these needs are not met by the child they will take a mistaken approach of undo attention seeking. These children are the class clowns, the trouble makers, and rebels. The way a parent should approach meeting this need for a child would to both give contact freely. So if your children want to dog pile you fathers let them. Mothers if the children want to ride on your back don’t refuse (unless you physically cant). This will meet their contact need. On the belonging side, parents help your children to learn to contribute. Contributing to a community will give them a sense of belonging and will be fulfilled by themselves.
The second need is the need for power to influence their own world. When a child feels like they are living under a dictator many will show that they need this need by rebelling or trying to control others. If you feel like you are powerless you desire to feel power, so you seek for that power through controlling your peers or even your parents. Well children are the same way and the best thing to do to help your children to feel power over their own lives, is to give them choices and experience the consequences of their choices. In other words, teach them responsibility, or like my professor says/spells it Response*Ability. Let your children learn from the natural consequences of their decisions. Unless they are too dangerous, to far off in the future to make a difference in the present, and are hurting others, let them make choices, good AND bad, and learn.
The third need is protection with in their own life. If the child doesn’t feel this sense of protection they will seek to satisfy this need with revenge. Having a father in the home helps to give children that sense of protection but also mothers who teach their children how to forgive. Forgiveness will help them to not hold grudges and let go of the pain that they felt from the thing that harmed them. Mothers can teach their children the “how to’s” and the “why do we’s”. Fathers you can help with the paired approach. Teach your children to be assertive. Don’t squish their opinions and teach by example, but not as a dictator. You can also create an environment that encourages your children to practice being assertive.
The fourth need is called withdraw, or to learn to take a break. If this need is not met the child will turn to undo avoidance. Those are the children who retreat to their rooms, procrastinate till its crunch time, or don’t event touch a task given to them. This will affect them not only socially but also academically and in work. Parents if you wish for your children to be hard workers and good at the tasks given to them, teach them to take a break AND TO GO BACK AT IT. Don’t forget to teach them to go back or else giving them a break will not accomplish meeting this need.
The fifth and final need is the need for a challenge. Children need to be given a difficult task that is challenging to them. If they aren’t challenged they may participate in undo risk taking, or adrenaline junkies. The best way to help them with this need is to do skill building. In my life my parents enrolled me in dance where I was challenged almost everyday to learn new skills in dance or new techniques.
It is really important to NOT WORRY ABOUT THEM FAILING. Failure is what helps us to learn and grow as human beings. Don’t be a parent that hovers over their child or a parent who mows every difficulty out of the way of the child. These ways will not help them in the long run. It has been proven that children do not develop correctly if they don’t learn from the consequences of their decisions. INSTEAD, be an example to your children, meet their needs, and love them unconditionally.
“The purpose of being a parent is to protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive in the world they are going to live in”
Michael Popkin
Thoughts on Families: An Insight into The Family 